Saturday, July 23, 2005

Fact or fiction?

Some people ask me if my stories are really true.
What can I say? You don't need a damn licence to tell people what they want to hear. Most of the time I only add a little salt and pepper. Other times you need to bend a meat pie into a Sunday roast spectacular!

All of these stories happened to me or my friends. Of course, the tales that involve super powers may have occurred in my dreams. But for the most part these are factual events.

I believe one of the best things you can do for your children is to tell them stories - about you, your past, your family, your history. Kids love a funny story - so add some giggles. The most important thing you have to keep you alive are your children. By telling stories you are preserving you and your heritage. Pass the tales on. Don't let them be forgotten.

Sunday, July 17, 2005

Xennies, the wonder drug!

A week ago I started using a drug that, apparently, is supposed to cut about one third of the fat from entering your system.

That doesn't seem so bad and you would imagine that it would have to be a great way to help you lose weight, and if I were to finish right here you would be right.

There is, however, a side effect of this drug that is not to be over-looked. If you eat more than 12 grams of fat in a meal you may feel - or not feel (which is the worst part), the need to empty your arse of whatever it is that is shooting towards your exit hole at 100km an hour. Quite often than not you'll be just minding your own business when all of a sudden you've ripped a hole in your new slacks and ruined your mother-in-laws new lounge suite. Yeah - that plastic on the cushion didn't help much.

When I first started taking the drug - let's nickname it Xennies (in order to avoid a visit to court!) - I was waiting for the side effects to occur. Little did I know they take a few days to kick in. So here I was adding more and more of that delicious fat/oil to my meals thinking that I was getting away with it all. Meanwhile, a beast was growing inside of me - ticking like a time bomb and waiting to make its way forth into the world. (Or should I say shoot its way out of me like a kung pow curry bullet coated in teflon.) It just so happened that I was unfortunate enough to experience the birth of my unwanted oil-baby a few days later on a brisk winter morning at work. I was lucky that the pain came first. "Lucky", I say, as it was a warning or a prelude to what was to come. I crawled across the room to the toilet, a dozen or so children jumping all over me thinking I was playing one of their crazy games. "No, no!", I tried to get out, but their laughter was too loud. It was one of those paradoxical moments where something so tragic as stomache cramps could be made so damn funny by the addition of several small children jumping up and down on the victim, and hooting in their tiny voices "Giddy up". I did manage to make it to the toilet. I will not go into too much detail, but I will say this. The fastest man in the world has got nothing on my shit!

Ah, yes! This mysterious fat reducing drug does have its draw-backs.

The black & white circus...

Find out the tragic tale of the Black & White circus and what happened to the carnie folk when it came time to pull down their arena for the very last time. Coming soon!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

The beginning

What's this site all about?
Well - it's about me trying to lose weight and all my adventures as a big fat guy living in a skinny-arse world. I'll put in some funny pictures and some funny words as well. That's right, kids! There may be some colourful language. So if any of you out there are reading this and mommy and daddy still tuck you in at night, I suggest you find a Spongebob Squarepants webpage to hack into before we see any tears.